Ten Things I Miss About You, South Africa

For the past three years, South African photojournalist Ian McNaught Davis has travelled to 21 countries. He’s also lived in Australia, Malaysia, Kazakhstan and Swaziland, and he now calls Georgia home. For him, SA still comes out tops. From once-Russia with homesickness, he reports.

Just as every German tourist should make the noble quest up the cable car to the summit of Table Mountain to attain a selfie with a NikNaks-addled dassie, every South African prone to cynicism should embark on a pilgrimage to Kazakhstan – specifically to a far-flung outpost in a desert – to gain a better appreciation for the good stuff at home.

Rambling around a frigid and unsmiley former-communist state in Central Asia in order to get a perspective on home isn’t merely an exercise in philosophy, it’s also endorsed by the laws of natural science that govern the movements of the Steppe Buzzard.

It doesn’t take long for this travel-savvy bird of prey to become aware of its levels of gatvol-ness after spending enough time in character-building Kazakhstan.

The Steppe Buzzard realises it would rather be picking off sosaties flecked with Aromat sizzling on unsupervised braai grids than dining on radioactive rodents.

It promptly utters a disdainful “Hayibo!” and punches in “Mzanzi Fo Sho” into its GPS before hightailing southwards.

It’s the same for us flightless creatures. Sometimes wandering in some of the planet’s more high-maintenance places will remind you what we’ve got going for us at home. Here are a few…

1 - The Relative Richness of the Rand

Kicking it off with a controversial one! Although our currency plunges lower than a Kardashian neckline every time a politician gets near a microphone, you can still get some mileage off your coinage in some fascinating countries.

Sure, your rands aren’t going to far in Europe but why would you go there when you can dangle your feet in Lake Malawi while swigging on a Carlsberg you’ve paid for in kwacha? Or plant said feet in the Java Sea necking a Bintang you’ve bartered for with Indonesian rupiah?

(Notably, you don’t need a visa for those countries. Where’s your Green Mamba joke about the South African passport now, Uncle Dave?!)

In fact, there are plenty of faraway bodies of water to wallow in, local tipple in hand, without getting FOREXed too painfully.

In Georgia I get paid in a currency called lari. That’s right. Lari. The archetypal name of a used-car salesman, and about half as reliable as one. The reason I’m actually going to submit this column on time is because the editor is going to pay me in rondt and not in homemade cheese.

So, buy the bhat, take the ride. And then you’ll feel a little bit of the smugness that British tourists feel when they travel.

2 – Local Produce

Although I have wiled away time in jungles in Borneo pining for the sweet, sentimental taste of over-diluted Oros (orange squash), I’m more proud of South Africa’s food production than it’s products.

When you go grocery shopping in South Africa, a lot of what’s in your trolley has been grown, processed, canned, fermented, brewed, dried and baked in the country.

In Kazakhstan, if you want to buy meat that isn’t horse or hasn’t dangled in a market for an indefinite time, it comes in tins from Mother Russia with hefty tax mark-ups.

In Georgia, the chicken I buy is shipped from China and sold in a French supermarket chain.

But in any Checkers, you’ll find pilchards from Saldanha, apples from Grabouw, wine from Stellenbosch, beef from the Free State and sugar from the South Coast. This means less chances of eating horses, less import taxes, fewer carbon emissions and more job opportunities. Sharp sharp.

3 – Presidents Who Call It A Day

Although we sure have had a mixed bag in our choice of bosses, they don’t overstay their welcome. Nursultan Nazarbayev is not only the president of Kazakhstan, but he is also the entire list of presidents of Kazakhstan. In fact, the 77-year-old likes his office so much that in 2010 he founded scientific research institute to discover the elixir of life to prolong his presidential tenure.

It’s not just him – the world is full of presidents who reckon nobody will notice that they’re still in office if they do as little as possible.

And while we might not have a paragon of virtue in charge, nobody’s shrieking, “Make me immortal, minions!” to people in underground laboratories.

4 - Freedom Of The Press

Poking fun at the president of Kazakhstan in the previous paragraph would put me on the blacklist if I lived there. But the joke’s on them because I’m already on their blacklist and I don’t live there.

As long as there’s some sort of an independent media (not to be confused with Independent Media), you can bandy about opinions with minimal punishment.

South Africans enjoy a good uproar (shout-out to the ecstatically disgruntled troll about to get self-righteous in the comments section) but in many countries you can’t afford to sulk into your affordable, locally produced beer like we can.

On a recent assignment to eastern Ukraine, it was quickly clear to me that speaking your mind about politics can be life-threatening. So you have to talk about the weather as much as possible. (Spoiler: it’s very, very cold.)

5 - South Africa Sure Is Pretty

You don’t even need to go to the lengths mentioned in point one to sip beer and dangle your toes in water. Face, meet Black Label. Feet, meet the Mdumbi River on the Wild Coast.

And while you’re at it, breathe in the crisp air of that fills the Karoo’s vast skies. Listen the vengeful cracks of lightning from Zeus’s sjambok during a Lowveld thunderstorm. Trek along the outlandish trails draping the spine of the Drakensberg. Play Marco Polo with dolphins in the Indian Ocean. Get outside already!

6 - …And Exploring It Is Edgy

Not that you should look for trouble, but exploring the country means you might have to cheat death at some point. And there’s something to be said for wandering around a national park and knowing that you’re part of the food chain.

This is a country where sunsets announce the start of an orchestra of bone-rattling grunts of lions, squelching pods of boisterous hippos and maniacal laughter of hyenas. And when you hear these archaic noises, you’ll feel terrified, fascinated and respectful at the same time.

Nature, and it’s potential for slithering, snarling and spiky consequences, has a way of reminding you of your place on the planet. Plus you can exaggerate about it later.

7 - People Understand What You’re Saying

Heita! Sho’t left at the robot, china. Ja, well, no, fine.

8 - You Can Sit On A See-Saw, Operate A Vacuum Cleaner After 10pm And Teachers Can Use Red Pens Without Hurting Learners’ Self-Esteem

No worries, Australia.

9 – South Africa Produces Innovators And Risk-Takers

For a country at the bottom of the world, we’ve done pretty well. We’re the home of Miriam Makeba, Hugh Masekela, Trevor Noah, Elon Musk, Caster Semenya and Wayde van Niekerk. We’ve produced a soccer team’s worth of Nobel Laureates (Madiba and Archbishop Tutu grew up in the same street, nogal).

We also gifted the world with the heart transplant, Q20, the Kreepy Krauly and the vuvuzela. (You’re welcome. It’s a pleasure. You’re welcome. Sorry.)

10 - We Get Braai With A Little Help From Our Friends

When it comes to rotating bits of dead animal over a fire, the rest of the world sucks.

Too many nations see braais some gas-fueled way of defrosting an excuse for a sausage, and not as the centre of a social gathering that it is. Overseas, there’s no uncle telling you what the coaches are doing wrong. No salad jokes. No bickering over wood-stacking strategies.

In South Africa, braais are often triggered by your neighbour having one. Kind of like the scene in Lord Of The Rings when all those mountaintop beacons are sequentially lit to raise the alarm for Gondar.

That’s afternoons in South Africa – shisa nyama sweeping across a diverse nation united in the pursuit of wors-twirling and tjop-flipping. Even you guys with Webers. They also count, I suppose.